I just saw a hot homeless man
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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