Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
