apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
