I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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