I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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