I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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