I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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