I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
