I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize