turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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