I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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