I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
