yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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