Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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