Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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