I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
