I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
