Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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