Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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