I'm gonna have a badass scar
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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