I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
