Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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