either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
