I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
