Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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