you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My dick has a subreddit
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
