Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
