first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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