I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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