Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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