My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
