her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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