picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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