They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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