I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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