why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize