He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
