Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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