Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
