I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
