it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
