the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
