When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
