does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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