he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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