On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize