Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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