If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
