new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
