I can't breathe out the right side of my face
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
