my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
your like the ambassador to my penis.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
