my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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