I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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