Please, let me fuck your mom
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
