apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
