I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize