My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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