remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
