Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
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